The Bachelor

the bachelorette: alex’s adventures in tinder-land (part 1)

And the things that happened when I hurled myself down this bizarre rabbit-hole..

Background:

Now, I won’t lie to you: I’m hooked. It may even be a mild addiction.

I have been watching the new series, The Bachelor Australia.. and I am loving it hard. This is mainly due to the fact that I spend nearly every minute of it in hysterics. Oh, the gaudy McMansion, the emotional rose ceremonies, the cartloads of makeup, the stilettos at lunchtime, the melodrama and bitchiness. It’s divine.

Although I am being very cynical and judgemental, for which I do apologise, there are some things which I would genuinely like about participating in the show: namely, going on all of those awesome dates. Oh, let’s just casually take a private plane to a deserted beach where we’ll go horse riding and then have a romantic dinner. Oh, if you insist. Oh, and Tim isn’t too shabby either.

Now, over the past week I’ve been having a little taste of how Timmy must be feeling.

Enter: Tinder.

Oh, yes, I did. I enlisted myself as the guinea pig for this social experiment (I couldn’t find any other volunteers within the vicinity). Tinder works by creating a mini profile for you (accessing photos, your interests and friends via FB) where you can upload photos and write a blurb about yourself. From there you are shown pictures of guys (or girls) within the mile radius and age group which you’ve selected. You can either ‘Like’ a person by swiping RIGHT or say ‘Nope’ by swiping LEFT. If you’ve Liked someone and they’ve Liked you too, you can start messaging each other through the app. If one or both of you say Nope to each other you never have to know.

Hypothesis:

I got introduced to Tinder through some of my single girlfriends who like to Tind (is it a verb yet?) after having one (or four) glasses of wine for sh!ts and giggles. So, my expectations of Tinder were (and are) pretty LOW, as in, I will not be disappointed if a Chuck Bass/Nate Archibald/Dan Humphrey hybrid doesn’t come waltzing into my life. I like Gossip Girl, ok? No need to judge. See, Tinder has a reputation for being on the sleazy and superficial side, to put it nicely, where Real Proper Relationships are a strange novelty from a world far, far away.. Anyway.

Tinder                       Tinder 02
Left: Profile. Now, which way to swipe? Right: Bingo!
PS: I give you permission to pretend that I am that babe.

Observations – Week One:

 Day One: 50 matches. And The Bachelor thought he had his hands full.
I see your 25 and raise you another 25, sir. Feeling slightly overwhelmed.


So many guys surf. Hmm.
 I don’t surf.. Maybe I should get back into it… Nah.


Is it me, or does everyone have tattoos these days?
I am feeling like such a nanna.


Ok and what is with 90% of the guys I am chatting to being named
either Michael, Andrew or ALEX?! So flipping confusing.. and weird.


How long is a mile? (1.609344 kilometres if you’re interested.)


Must stop swiping ‘Like’ to people simply because they look like an ex
or someone
whom I was previously attracted to. Bad Alex.


The “trying to trick me into thinking you are a babe by using a photo with
your hot friend as your primary photo” tactic does not fool me, sir.
(I check the subsequent photos.)


Babies! Toddlers! Puppies! Kittens! Lambs!!

Yes, you are clearly taking advantage of the fact that I am a sucker for cute stuff.
And I love that. Swipe RIGHT.


Oh, look! The guy whom I was dating until two days ago.
Long time, no see, buddy.
Swipe LEFT.


How come there are so many hot guys on Tinder? It’s perplexing.


That gratuitous ab selfie? Yeah, you know the one.

Well, it’s reminding me about my lack of a six-pack. 
And I was perfectly happy without that reminder, thanks.


So is this the one time in life where I don’t have to be
ashamed about being superficial?


I hope I don’t stumble across my brother or any of his friends.
God, that’d be awkward..

It’d be fair to say that I have been a tad distracted over the past week.. and perhaps flipping through countless pictures of countless men has become a mild (temporary) addiction in it’s own right.. Awks. Actually, I think I was probably looking for another way to procrastinate when I first logged into the app.

Conversations on Tinder thus far have ranged from fairly standard meet & greet stuff to “I don’t want my Dad to see this. Ever.” to the.. memorable.. Take this one for example:

(As an introductory message)
Gent: “Hey Alex, I’ve been thinking.. Oranges must have been discovered before carrots, right?” Seriously. WTF.
(Quickly followed up by..)
Gent: “If you could design a new fruit what would it be like?” You, dear sir, have had WAY too much time on your hands recently.. and your fruit obsession is a bit intense.. #fruitloop.

Conclusion – Week One:

Week One Tally: So far, I’ve encountered three five guys whom I’ve dated or similar etc, five guys from uni, one guy seven guys from school, my friend’s good-looking brother and one guy whom I had a crush on at a high school holiday camp. He was such a babe as a fourteen year old.

Forecast: 

What’s ahead for Week Two? Meeting up with some of these rascals, trying to get my head around the perceived hotness of “first thing in the morning” selfies and whether chemistry can truly be felt through pixels.. Stay tuned. I may need rescuing from the rabbit-hole.

Alex x

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