An open letter.
From: my feeling-sorry-for-myself-this-morning self.
To: my beverage-consuming self last night.
Good morning, peach.
So. Let’s chat.
Wait. Which Alex is which?
I’m not sure. I guess it feels like I’m going to be the school principal and you’re going to be the recalcitrant, rebellious student. Is that ok?
Yeah, whatever. Let’s just get this over with.
Now, Alex –
My brain hurts.
I was talking. Do you mind not interrupting?
And there’s no need to glare at me, thanks.
Yeah, so about your brain hurting. Perhaps, just perhaps, you need to rethink your approach to house parties.
Well, we could start with that ‘brain-hurting’ thing you mentioned. The one where it feels like you’re slowly spinning in dizzy circles.
(Raises eyebrow haughtily) Mmmhmm? Well, perhaps it was worth it, thank you very much, you killjoy.
Note your use of the word ‘perhaps’. Ok, if not the head, how about the nauseated stomach?
Nothing that Vita-Weats and green tea couldn’t fix.*
Or you could have had something a bit more interesting for breakfast.
Ok. How about the fact that your clothes are covered in dog hair?
I love that gorgeous canine, ok? And he’s old and he isn’t going to be around forever, so I think that he and I have established that it’s ok for me to use him as a pillow when I stumble in at 3am. The clothes? Yeah, I’ll have to pick each hair out one by one, but that dog pillow is worth it.
You don’t have anything better to do with your time than to pick each individual dog hair off your clothes? Wow. You’re fun.
Shut up, you. You evidently have nothing better to do with your time than to berate me.
Touché… but how about your suede heels?
Ok. I do concede that I will, from now on, avoid wearing suede heels to house parties. Thankfully, they are black and thus, they shall be relatively easy to clean.
You don’t say. They’d be beyond help if they were beige.
God forbid. I’m not that much of an idiot, thanks.
Good luck with the green stain on them, by the way.
I have no idea what this is. Actually, I think it could be an avocado dip… which I didn’t even eat. Let’s move on. Anything else you want to add from up there on your high horse?
Oh, yes, actually.
Shame about your gorgeous bracelet smashing.
Yeah, actually it is. Do you have to remind me of the fact that I’m going to have to get it repaired RIGHT now?
Did you find all of the beads?
I think so. It wasn’t even my fault. Well, ok. I kind of tripped. Well, I thought that I could steady myself on the (closed) door behind me. But, as it turns out, it was open. And then my poor bracelet took the impact. I think I may have landed on it.
(Raises eyebrow) Not your fault? Right. Yeah. Totally.
(Crosses arms across her chest.) Well, it wasn’t deliberate.
Ok. And how about have to pay for a taxi ALLL the way home because catching a bus was going to be too much like hard work for your non-sober self?
Yes, not ideal considering my current financial state. Thanks for the reminder, you cow. But it’s just $50. Not ideal, but not the end of the world either. It’s better to get home safely and to hurt the bank account than to not get home safely in the name of saving some money.
Oh, aren’t you virtuous. Well, look out world: Alex is the fountain of all wisdom.
At least I’m not as infuriating as you.
At least I’m not a bad friend.
But it’s true, isn’t it?
This is really unnecessary.
Oh, but I think it is, in fact, very necessary.
You really hurt her, you know. She may not be one to wear her emotions on her sleeve (or her face like you do), but that doesn’t mean that what you did didn’t hurt her. Because it did. And you really went too far.
Poor form, Alex. Poor form.
What the hell were you thinking, Alex? Sometimes you act like your relationship means so little to you.
That is not true. I love her to pieces.
Well, act like it, dammit!
I’m really sorry.
Don’t say that to me. Say it to her.
One last thing.
Oh, shut up.
I promise it’ll be the last thing I say.
(Sighs with exasperation.) What? What now??
See you next weekend?
(Raises her hand, clenching the first, second, fourth and fifth digits.)
* As an aside: I do wish that my anti-nausea remedy was more interesting, but Vita-Weats it is.