Scene from “Duck Soup” (1933).
Confessional: despite the fact that I blog about my love life, I actually have very little relationship experience.
Yeah, ironic, I know. Or perhaps that’s doesn’t come as a surprise at all… (Hmm. Let’s not dwell on that, ok?) Also, please do not use my blog as relationship advice. That would be a very bad idea.
I have spent the overwhelming majority of my teen and twenty-something years single. (And by “overwhelming majority”, I mean “over 90% of the past decade of my life”.) Although there have been times when I have bemoaned the fact that I was sans-boyfriend, happy for but jealous of my friends with gorgeous partners, I’ve reached the stage where I am utterly content with where I’m at.
I no longer resent being single. In fact, I’m really loving it. This is partly because I get to do whatever the hell I want without having to factor someone else’s wants and needs in everyday (i.e. self-centred fun). However, the main reason why I’ve come to love being single is that it has allowed (and continues to allow) me to work on myself and to get to know myself better.
Having spent so much time perfecting the Art of Being Single means that I feel that I know whom I am and I don’t think I’m likely to encounter the issue of having my identity wrapped up in a romantic relationship any time soon…
My love life follows a predictable pattern:
1. Alex is content.
2. She meet some lovely gent.
3. Lovely gent asks Alex out on a date.
4. Then they go on some more dates.
5. Then, for some reason or another, things fizzle out.
6a. Alex may or may not – depending on the gent – be a little bummed out about Part 5.
6b. Alex generally gets over the gent pretty quickly.
Although it can be a bit of an emotional roller coaster at times – particularly when there is a little bit of emotional investment coupled with the potential for Something – at least it’s predictable; I can do predictable. I like being able to know what’s happening next. I know how I respond at each of those stages and I feel comfortable in the familiarity of my mildly tumultuous cycle.
But then I was reminded that numbers continue past seven…
How on earth did I end up here?
I don’t have time to respond as the warm arm around my shoulder pulls me closer.
Adult male? Tick.
Heart of gold? Big tick.
Good conversation? Tick.
Sexy foreign accent? *Grins like an idiot*
What. The? Ummmm. Excuse me, but this is meant to have fizzled out by now. How come we keep on going on dates? You’re gorgeous, but why hasn’t this ended already?
Where is the fizzle, dammit?! Why are things not fizzling! I don’t know what to do when there isn’t any fizzle!
Does this mean..?? Could it..? No. No. Definitely not. Absolutely not. Nope. No. No. No!! This most definitely does not mean that this could be heading somewhere.
But where? Where is this Somewhere? And can I find this Somewhere on Google Maps?
I know how to do Single. I know how to do First Dates. I also know how to do subsequent dates. But Relationships? *sharp inhale of breath* Ohmylord.
Sheldon gets me.
How does that even work? I mean, what am I meant to do? What, for example, happens after the dating stage? (Or do you just date forever?) When and how do we fall into the comfortable routine of Thai takeaway and trackies? I know that I like pad see ew and I know that I want to eat it with you, but how do we get from Point A to Point B? And wait, do I actually want to get to Point B with you? Am I just continuing with this Thing because it hasn’t fizzled out, rather than me really liking you?
Is there a Dummies Guide for this?
Perhaps I’ll just stay single. I like single and I do it really very well and I know it’s fun and I like my independence.
Ok. Good plan. Stay single. Don’t fall into a relationship with Man Who Has a Sexy Accent.
But his accent is rather gorgeous…
No, Alex! Not a good enough reason! Anyway, you’ll have no idea what you’re doing and this is all far too petrifying. Your cortisol levels have increased just from writing this.
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.
Having no romantic prospects was far less stressful than this because…